BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER

Legend has it that my mother never wanted kids and till this day, it remains a puzzle to me how she eventually had four. My uncles and aunts love to gist us hilarious stories of how mother tried to get rid of not one, two, but three of them (excluding yours truly of course) before they were born. Our inside joke is making fun of each others IQ’s and wondering how much brain cells mother must have destroyed while trying to ‘take care of her problems’. I know what you are thinking but Yes she was married, and yes she was sane.

Over the years, I have made no secret of the fact that I have inherited my mother’s aversion to kids. I think kids are cute but they are pretty manipulative and are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. As a result of my mistrust for kids, I am always curious as to why sane, smart people chose to go through 9months of torture including a climax of gruesome pain, just to spend the rest of their lives taking after those little ‘adorable’ monsters.

About 59% (yes, I actually took a poll) of the people I have engaged genuinely want kids, 17% think that it is expected of them, and 24% of us would rather skip the experience all together. I’ve also met lots of people who did not want kids in the beginning but eventually changed their minds while few others have stayed true to the cause. I’ve been thinking to myself though, and I decided to write a manual (hear, hear) for people who may be feeling this way but don’t know what to do.

Dear clueless, when it comes to contraception, no one has to know about it but you and your Doctor. I know you love your husband but did you know love has secrets? We call it the Before, During, and After.

BEFORE: When you choose this option, you can take the annual, bi-annual or quarterly shots discreetly without hubby and his nosy family finding out. As a second option, you should maybe look into the diaphragm/spermicide option (if it isn’t archaic yet.) The pill should be the last option as alarm bells will begin to sound in your husband’s head when you start swallowing funny pills religiously every day. And we all know that it makes ladies fat so lets try to avoid it…yes, really.

DURING: to be honest, your options here are somewhat limited. Save coitus iteruptus, the chances of you being able to slip a rubber on hubby without his notice is 0.02 and I would hate to be in your shoes trying to come up with an explanation to why you were even trying to make him use protection, or eject before time! Asking him to use rubber is akin to saying you suspect him of cheating (see kasala). Clearly, you’ll have to rely on the old but reliable IUD and pray to God that one day, he doesn’t feel a tickle down there during sex.

AFTER: This option is a no brainer because of its simplicity. Before all you pro-life activist curse me, I don’t mean abortion (although I approve of it). The morning after pill remains an over the counter pill and its being sold in every pharmacy from N100 to N7,000 depending on your pocket and brand preference.

PLEASE NOTE: Of course the best option for your peace of mind (and mine) is to find a man who doesn’t fancy kids and live happily after. But if you still fail in that and you don’t want to use the before, during or after tricks, your last prayer is to hope that he falls ill and is admitted to the hospital. You should then slip the Doctor between N100,000 to N500 000 and explain that you want a discreet vasectomy during his (illegally drug induced) sleep. From then on, you can feel free to act out all your sexual fantasy without fear. No matter how tired he is, simply whisper into his ear that this time may be the lucky time and he’ll be glad to (ahem) sit up. He won’t complain that you aren’t doing your own part especially since the process of trying is so much fun *wink, wink*

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3 comments

  1. Shafa · · Reply

    Very funny,but u left out the option of bilateral tubal ligation for the woman and a simple one subdermal implants
    Nice discussion though,had me smiling from the beginning to the end.

  2. jazmyne · · Reply

    Hahahahaha…. Nice manual. Being exposed to a lot of children right from when they were born until they get to about 10, I didn’t want anything to do with kids. Other people’s kids would do just fine, that way I can still play with them and their parents can have them when they’re difficult. But lately, I have started to change my mind. (۳º̩̩́_º̩̩̀)۳ . Don’t know why. 😦

  3. AbdulLAteePh · · Reply

    Zeenarh! What is this? So funny! Av u become an exponent of women tricks! thEy’d av to call on u. When caught!

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