by Azeenarh Mohammed(@XEENARH)
(closeted optimist, provocative writer)
I’ve thought long and hard about what Nigeria needs and I’m happy to say I may have come up with a solution to those problems. Please don’t rush me, I’ll tell you about it shortly. I know that a lot of other Nigerians have secretly been thinking the same and are just too afraid to share it…so it is a good thing that I’m willing to take the backlash for what others are too scared to say. Phew…here goes.
The solution to Nigeria’s problem is, wait for it….: Everyone over 50yrs of age should be shot!
Okay fine. Maybe that is a bit extreme…but aren’t the problems of Nigeria quite extreme? After all, someone famous once said ‘desperate times call for desperate measures.’ For the record, that person is a genius…but I digress. Yes I’ll say it again. Everyone over 50yrs of age should be shot! That is the final solution before Nigeria will be better.
If you think that is a too harsh, I’m willing to be a bit reasonable. Not everyone over 50 should be shot. We can also alternate between hangings, gassing, and giving others the injection. Hey, I’m open to suggestions (that’s how nice I am). We can even give them the morphine drip so that they can check out in a pleasant way with a nice buzzing high. But the bottom line is everyone over 50 needs to go, Period. You want reasons, let me just give you a few:
CORRUPTION: Does anyone reading this article honestly think that corruption is perpetrated by the kids 35 years and younger? No, I didn’t think so. The worst people in the country i.e. Atiku, Adamu, Obasanjo, Alamesiagh, Dariye, Babangida, (yes I know none of them have been convicted or are ever likely to be) are on the far side of 50 and are walking the streets with their heads high. Some of them not only hold public office, but the rest are privately bidding how to return into the corridors of power. These are the people who pull the strings behind the background and determine our future. Frankly, if this doesn’t convince you to shoot everyone over 50, very little will.
JUDICIARY: The important, gutsy decisions are solidly in the hands of folks who are definitely in the shoot or nuke bracket. Mind you, I haven’t really researched the ages of the Justices in the Court of Appeal and the Supreme Court but I can bet you that only a hand full of them (if any) will fall within 50 and under. Just think of the ongoing NJC/NBA/Salami/Katsina Alu/GEJ scandal. That whole place stinks solid, and we need to clean it up and bring out the fresh blood. (Yes, NBA disciplinary committee, I expect a letter suspending me from the bar within the week).
HEALTH: I know young people suffer from these too; but stroke, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, blindness, Parkinson’s, ( I can go on and on) are statistically suffered by the people over 50. We need to help them out of their misery. Really.
First off, our Doctors can then concentrate on the young ones who can contribute to the nation (yes I know the over 50 can contribute too, but think about who will be sharper, fitter, stronger, more innovative and likely to be living longer…statistically).What’s the life expectancy in Nigeria again? I know it’s less than 50 for both male and female. That means that the over 50 year olds that have run the country and brought such sorry statistics are not expected to be alive…statistically of course. Additionally, if it will make you feel any better, just tell yourself that they will be going to a better place and I bet that you and your conscience will sleep fine at night. Plus did I mention that they have the option of morphine drip? Yea, just making sure you’re following.
TECHNOLOGY/INNOVATION: Think about what makes the world faster, better, closer, more efficient and simple. Yes, it’s obviously technology. The people 50yrs and above can barely use it, much less contribute to it or (heaven forbid) invent any of it. I know you’ll argue that Bill Gates is over 50 but we barely have Nigerian software developers much less those over 50…Moreover, Bill Gates roots have not been traced to Nigeria (yet) so let’s just move on.
BOKO HARAM/MEND/JOS etc: We need to quickly do something about the senseless killings in Jos, the kidnappings in the east, the anarchy in the south, and the bombings in the north. Our peers are being used by (you guessed it) people over 50 to kill each other. I don’t think I’ve really heard of people over 50 dying in those acts. We need to stop killing each other, and point our attentions toward the real culprits who have withheld education, employment, patriotism and everything good from us, but have instead sowed the seeds of ignorance, hatred and deceit in our heads.
WORK ETHIC: Honestly, when you go out to a hospital, a ministry, a department or even your mechanic’s place, which age group is likely to be unavailable? The young, new, budding kids, or the older ones? The specialist at the hospital is always unavailable, the Director/Minister/Perm Sec is always not on seat, Mr. Musa has gone to his grandson’s wedding in Kano or Baba Blessing did not open the shop because it is either too cold for his arthritis or he has gone to the village to bury his friend. The young ones would have arrived at the office relatively early and have gotten their share of the work done (and most times that of the boss). I generally think it is time we take back this country from these folks before they influence and corrupt the next generation.
THE LEGISLATURE: Although a couple of them will claim to be younger that 50 (if you trust a politician that is), we all know that a majority of them are over 50. The legislature has turned into a retirement home of sorts for people who are aging and just need to rest and do nothing while earning shit loads of money. I have this belief that people who are not going to be alive in the next 20 years have no business making laws for people who will be. They have little to lose so they basically pass useless laws, stupid laws, and most times, they don’t even bother passing laws at all. I will not even bring up the outrageous amounts they pay themselves in the name of making laws (while fighting on national TV) but you all will agree with me that they need to go so we can replace them with people who have a stake in tomorrow.
POPULATION: Don’t we all think Nigeria is over populated anyways? Imagine if everyone over 50 was gone. The air will be fresher, the grass will be greener, the jobs will go around, food will be surplus….and yes, the national cake will be bigger. Now wouldn’t that be great?
DETERRENT: I hate always having to reference the Ghanaian revolution but in this case I have to. Jerry Rawlings ‘housecleaning exercise’ sacrificed the lives of 6 people and it sent the fear of God into everyone else. Imagine if we did that with an entire generation? Not only will it cut out the rotten arms, it will also deter the young ones from doing same…really, this is such a win-win situation I’m tempted to take it to the bank and insure it.
EMPLOYMENT: Most of you have been doing the jobs of your bosses for a while now. If we come together to (ahem) send them home early, there’ll be less beurocracy, less bogus tittles, more appreciation, more freedom to act, higher output, more dedication, creativity and energy. Additionally, you’ll get the pay and recognition for the job you have always done. You can be a director, your sister can be a commissioner, others can be permanent secretaries and the rest of you can be ministers and advisers with designated drivers, parking spots, housing, car, furniture, entertainment allowance, etc. In fact, I rest my case.
GENERAL REASONS: When we implement this policy, there will be less bad and slow drivers on the road, most of you will earn enough to legitimately marry your sweethearts, there will also be less queues at the hospital when you, your siblings or your kids are sick, less queues at the fuel stations, market and banks, and less burials to attend (since they’ll all get a onetime mass burial).
Okay let me be serious now, I know it is not my place to determine when their time is up, but if you look at it carefully, no one dies before their time. If you’re dead, you’re dead…no two ways, no coming back. Your time don reach #shikena
NOTE: Mind you these are just a few reasons and I’m sure that if we all sat down and thought hard we will find even more concrete and genuine reasons. As for those of you who are reluctant to fall in line with my suggestion because your parents, friends, and loved ones are over 50, let me just assure you that my parents, friends and loved ones are over 50 too. So if I am (maybe) willing to sacrifice the older generation for the next generation, you all should (maybe) be willing to do the same too.
DISCLAIMER: A chunk (or all) of this article has not been researched and most of my claims are unsubstantiated and cannot hold water in a court of law (instead I may in fact get a rap for defamation). Do not quote me anywhere. I REPEAT: DO NOT QUOTE ME OH. The views I have expressed here is in no way the views of my employers, my political party, my faith or that of Love Nigeria.
I also know a lot of you will want to crucify me for writing this piece. If you fall in that group, don’t bother, because I’ve already called myself a psycho, homicidal maniac, murderer-wanna-be and other unsavoury things just so you don’t have to. Until my next genius idea, feel free to drop me a line just because you can.